Howdy Doody

Woah woah I got one I got one

I’m gonna tell you guys something really creepy and weird

Really strange

You probably won’t even believe me

Well bascially uh here I go

I remember last fall

I used to hang out in the forest all by myself

Enjoy what nature had to give me

But one day I was running around and I tripped

Over a little hole in the ground

I looked down, and said, “Hey!”

You know what the hole said?

“Howdy Doody”

I said, “What the hell was that?”

“Howdy Doody”

“What?! Hey, little hole, what did you say?”

“Howdy doody”

“Hey, little hole!”

And I remember this one time my Uncle was telling me

About how he used to be a lumberjack

And they would go and cut trees down all of the time

And he would get real good money for it

But one day he had his axe

And he was about to swing at the tree

But all of the sudden out of nowhere

He heard it say,

“Howdy Doody”

“What? This thing’s talking to me I swear, come over here”

“Howdy Doody”

“Did you hear that Joe? Listen closely, listen to him say”

“Howdy Doody”

“What?!”"

That’s what he said happened

Man, you can’t leave us hanging man

that’s it? That’s it?

This is weird, this is weird, man

Shit’s saying “Howdy Doody?”

Don’t make no damn sense bro

You’re cappin out your ass right now

You know I’m not one to read the news

The paper, I mean

But I was walking past the grocery store the other day

And I saw in the stand, the headline, in big bold black letters

“SCARY LARRY ADMITTED TO AN INSANE ASYLUM”

Now for you folks that don’t know

Scary Larry is the old man that lives down the block from me

Always chasing kids off his lawn

Complaining about every little thing

Every little grass that grows too tall

But apparently

As the story goes

Some kid was just skating on his front lawn

It doesn’t make sense to me

But he got out his wiffle ball bat

And he began to chase the child

But as the child skated away

Scary Larry stopped still

Nobody knows exactly why

But doctors and nurses have apparently shared information

That the reason that he went crazy

The REAL reason he went crazy

Was because the wiffle ball bat said

“Howdy Doody”

And he said, “ARGH, what the hell?!”

“Howdy Doody”

“This thing is talking to me!”

“Howdy Doody”

“I’m going crazy!”

“Howdy Doody”

“ARGHHHHHH”

Stop, man

Okay I get it

I get it

Alright sorry

I went a little overboard uh

So why are these things saying “Howdy Doody”?

I don’t…

Did you hit the bowl too much?

Nah man

Why you saying all this shit?

It don’t make no sense

How the hell is an object gonna say “Howdy Doody”?

I swear to God

“Howdy Doody” It did!

No way, the bowl just said that shit right now!

“Howdy Doody”

I’m trippin, now the bong?!

What the hell’s goin on man?

“Howdy Doody”

You’re fucking with me, where’s the microphone? Where’s the camera?

“Howdy Doody”

I swear to god

NOOOO

Howdy Doody Ah Ah Ah Doody

Grudge Rock

I’m gonna be a Tiktok star with some platinumn records

I’m bringing back grunge that’s what my fans say in their letters

So, I think it’s safe to say

Things are gonna go my way

Think it’s safe to say

Things are gonna go my way

I don’t remember Kurt Cobain being a redneck rocker

But as long as it gets me a check

I’ll say the words just like you want em, oh

I’d spray paint “God is gay”

If the action increases pay

A needle in my veins

Tell my fans I’m nodding away

Now that my Tiktok fame

Earned me a spot in the VMAs

I think I’ll find a rope to hang

Or a barrel to blow my brain

The Eighth Sin

I was lost one day so I went to the church down the street

There was a nice dressed feller with white from his head to his feet

He said “Why young man do you bring yourself here to me?”

I said, “Ol pastor, you got some wisdom that I dearly need”

I met this gal from Red Hill the kind that you know you can keep

But my heart is changing from black to a sweet shade of pink

He said, “Hey son, if you’re loving, then you’re sitting on the devil’s knee

If you’re a wise one, open your ears so you can listen to me.

There are eight deadly sins

Please allow me to begin

We have wrath

We have greed

We have lust and gluttony

Oh we got sloth

We got pride

And the eighth and final sin we have is

The eighth and final sin we have is love

Do Ya Got Me?

When can I call you mine

Cause my doctors want to know

They’re saying I’ve got a frenzied head

And a far too lonely heart

I need to medicate with a lover who’ll treat me right

And keep me safe when a bump comes through the night

But do you got me, baby?

I’m patient, waiting for signs

That you’ll feel the same for me

I’d give you everything that you ever thought to need

I’d take you on a date to the nicest restaurant in town

Cause you’re my favorite girl and I wanna keep you around

But do you got me, baby?

Party in A.A.

Twelve steps for redemption

Twelve steps so I can see my children

My wife said to bring my step-son

So he can learn how to drink and function

But right when we got there

My sponsor was face-down in the yard

We went in the building

That’s when we saw they built a bar

Hey, it’s a party in A.A.

There was a TV there with football

With bowls of chips and many bottles of beer

And I saw Joey playing Cup Pong

And he was saying that he drinks cause his kid’s queer

Then right out of nowhere

Peggy’s serving us drinks butt-naked

But why would I care?

It’s teaching my step-son you only live once

Son, this is a beerbong

Bellyshots!

Don’t tell your mother

Love one another!

Art School

Yeah, I went to art school

So I could smell the scent of eyes

And know what nothing means

And still have no means

Yeah, I went to art school

So I could learn to improvise

And see behind the scenes

Of how to shit on screen

Yeah, I went to art school

Where all the girls look like guys

And their clothes are not so clean

And they’re comfortable as freaks

Yeah, I went to art school

So I could kill the men who cry

And shun the ones that weep

Cause really all of them are creeps

Yeah, I went to art school

So I could come out bummed and bi

And sell myself on the streets

Kinda like prostitutes in New York in the eighties

Yeah, I went to art school

So I could paint my tramautic mind

And develop an unnecessary speech

You know I probably know more big words than you do

Let’s put it to the test

Do you wanna do that?

That’d be pretty fun

(Im)Perfect

Today is a perfect day

And this life is a perfect life

And my street is a perfect street

With a perfect house and a perfect wife and some perfect kids

And we only eat perfect food

Can’t cheer us up, we’re in a perfect mood

A perfect tie and some perfect shoes

With a perfect shirt, and some perfect pants, perfect underwear

I go out with my perfect friends

And we all shoot our perfect guns

And we aim them at imperfect birds

And imperfect bugs

And imperfect people on imperfect drugs

But one thing that I can’t understand

Is why I have the urge to lay with other men

But I do prefer the perfect ones

With the perfect hair, and the perfect lips, and the perfect penis

It would be imperfect to judge me

Or to call me a fag and say I’m fugly

But this is just a tip

I’ll only say it once

If you fuck with me your family will end up in my trunk

There’s nothing to see here

I’m perfect

Do What You Want (I Don’t Care)

Do what you want

Do what you need

Go live your life

All without me

Do what you want

Cause I don’t care

Go to the club

Go find a man

Give him a kiss

Or hold his hand

Fell out of love

And into me

My life is mine

So now I see

Baby, You’re So Square

You don’t like crazy music

You don’t like rocking bands

You just wanna go to a movie show

And sit there holding hands

You’re so square, baby I don’t care

I don’t know why my heart flips

I only know that it does

I wonder why I love you baby

I guess it’s just because you’re so square

Baby I don’t care

You don’t know any dance steps that I do

I only know that I love you like I do

I do, I do

Royals

You are my majesty

Two crowns for you and me

When one is in between

Off with their head

You’re my kingdom

You’re my law

We’ve been up here all alone

I’m the king and you’re my queen

We’ll hang the jester

Just for fun

And then we’ll slow dance

When it’s done

You’re the one who leads my fleet

Royals

Won’t you black plague my thoughts

Make a love renaissance

Cause you’re the one I want

To lay with me dead

I’ll give you cheese and wine

If you swear to be mine

Just us till the end of time

Would you like more bread?

ZYX

Sandy stood on a steeple

Pissed on packs full of people

Ran the road here from Ruskin

No need to numb up her needle

A fire was fought for forgiveness

Don’t drown duh dick who done did dis

My mortal mind makes me muddy

But babies born bald be bitchin’

Are bats considered dull even for gophers heading in?

Just keep luring me near onto poor questions’ raging smears

An atom at an audition

Collect clever clue conditions

To tell two turtles that towed you

Go grease great guns to get given

How high has Houston hung Heaven?

Like Lilly’s eleven lessons

Is Israel an ill issue?

Can creatures co-create crescents?

To use various wonders, xanthoma yellow zillion

mark at loud asterisk and upper lower period

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